whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
pop tarts are not kleenex
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
