ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
