yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
