I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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