If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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