When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
