at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
