I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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