this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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