I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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