i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
