I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
