1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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