Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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