I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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