Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
