Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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