I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
