He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
