You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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