I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
