Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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