Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
