smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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