At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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