i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
