Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
