saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
