a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
