She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
