How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
We had to coat check the pizza.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
