ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
