my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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