ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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