whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
