There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
