if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
