dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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