I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
