But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
