i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize