I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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