I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
