the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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