i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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