And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
