She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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