I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
