Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
