i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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