How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
