Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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