My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
