I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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