There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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