Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
