She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
