this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
