Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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